I'm Coming Home! 

I’m a little nervous about watching the new episode of Seven Year Switch this Tuesday night. It’s so hard to have been away from CW for two weeks with absolutely no contact, to have reconnected with my old self and learned so much, to have heard so many heart-conflicting stories from Danielle, and to be reuniting with so many questions. I don’t want things to go back to how they were. Based on Danielle’s description, CW was pretty upset I stared into Eric’s eyes. I would have never guessed! It seemed like an innocent exercise and I trusted Dr. Jessica completely. I had no clue CW would view it as crossing a line. In fact, when Eric and I did it, it reminded me of the fun I had as a kid seeing how long we could stare without laughing. Eric and I were having trouble not laughing! Plus, I always look into my friend’s eyes, and even stranger’s eyes, every time I interact with them.
 
I have so many concerns running through my head. How do I make sure I don’t return to the stressed out, tension-filled, emotionally exhausted wife I was pre-experiment? How do I use my voice under the same roof that seemed impossible to be heard under? I want to go home, but I also don’t. I’m certain I don’t want to spend another hour with Eric, but will I be able to stay relaxed and free-spirited at home? Or will my spirit return to the almost dead state I started this experiment with? I can’t go back to that. I will not allow it. Life without my joyful spirit is not living at all.
 
I’m frustrated that Eric waited until the very last night to say what was “on his mind.” We were supposed to be wrapping up the experiment and preparing for reuniting with our spouses the next day, not opening up a brand new can of worms! And worms that didn’t even seem to make sense at that! Eric definitely hooked my attention with his accusation. Although I couldn’t see it for what it was that evening, I was determined to be Eric’s cheerleader for speaking up. After all, I can always get better. And even if the advice doesn’t come out as sincere advice from a caring heart, or doesn’t seem to fit, I can always find a way to learn from it. In fact, the tactic Eric used was to accuse me of something I wasn't guilty of. He said I should ask him more questions, which I had actually been doing constantly, much to his dismay. This is a tactic I’ve recently read about in Patricia Evan’s brilliant book Controlling People. It’s a sort of crazy making control tactic where you accuse the person of the very thing you’re guilty of to keep them looking inward and give yourself the power. It’s a great read I recommend to anyone, and I’ll probably write a lot more about it in future blogs.
 
Controlling behaviors such as the above are a covert way to control and are not so obvious. It catches you off guard and throws you off balance. Before this experiment I couldn't recognize exactly what was going on and how to respond. It threw me off center, and it was hard to pinpoint what had just happened. This is also one way CW unfortunately had been relating to me, and Dr. Jessica picked up on it in one of our first sessions with her! What a game changer…or should I say life changer because I don’t play games.
 
So tomorrow I will be reunited with my husband, CW. I’m anxious to see if he uses any of his control tactics that I couldn’t name at the time. It looks like that clip of us talking about drinks and boundary breaking could be the very behavior I’m learning about. If he discounts what actually happened to silence me and I get thrown off again, it will be very hard to watch. I hope I’m able to speak up and recognize the controlling behavior for what it is. I’ll be watching with you and learning even more as I watch. You see, the Seven Year Switch experiment doesn’t stop teaching you when it ends. That’s just the beginning.

6 comments

  • Jennifer Muthalakuzhy

    Jennifer Muthalakuzhy

    Good luck Rachel! I hope you are able to clear things up and find a way to move forward with that JOY you deserve. Xxoo

    Good luck Rachel! I hope you are able to clear things up and find a way to move forward with that JOY you deserve. Xxoo

  • Im so glad that you found the old you again I myself am going through that and hearing how you have done it very much inspires me. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and happiness ☺☺ you deserve it.

    Im so glad that you found the old you again I myself am going through that and hearing how you have done it very much inspires me. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and happiness ☺☺ you deserve it.

  • Kerri

    Kerri

    Rachel you have a trusting and loving heart. I would have grilled cw about claiming he wasn't drinking and have asked him why he would imply Danielle lied to you about the drinking. He was very condescending to you and you deserve so much better and an honest heart. I am happy you were able to find yourself again. I have a wonderful and loving husband and can't say I have been able to take time to do that. What a gift this experience has been! I am thankful Thanks for sharing your authentic self with us!

    Rachel you have a trusting and loving heart. I would have grilled cw about claiming he wasn't drinking and have asked him why he would imply Danielle lied to you about the drinking. He was very condescending to you and you deserve so much better and an honest heart. I am happy you were able to find yourself again. I have a wonderful and loving husband and can't say I have been able to take time to do that. What a gift this experience has been! I am thankful Thanks for sharing your authentic self with us!

  • Todd

    Todd

    If two people aren't attracted to each other romantically, they can stare into each other's eyes all day long and it's no big deal. If you have romantic feeling for someone else, staring into their eyes is uncomfortable and "crosses the line". If there is no attraction, then there is nothing to worry about. Think about it.

    If two people aren't attracted to each other romantically, they can stare into each other's eyes all day long and it's no big deal. If you have romantic feeling for someone else, staring into their eyes is uncomfortable and "crosses the line". If there is no attraction, then there is nothing to worry about. Think about it.

  • Susan

    Susan

    Rachel, I am glad you are more grounded. I am going to get the book that gave you information that was helpful. I've been married for 35 yrs. that doesn't mean we've been without our own obstacles, for sure! We've had many years of Christian counseling as well. I've been hurt. I heard a Pastor on Dr. Phil once, whose wife had been unfaithful to him. He wrote a book and I've since forgotten the title, unfortunately. In any event, Dr. Phil asked him how he could trust his wife any longer. He answered that he did trust her 80%. Dr. Phil said, "80%?" The man said, " I trust her 80 %. The other 20% is called wisdom!" Wow! I've held that close to my heart. My husband was never unfaithful but hurtful still the same. I shared that during our counseling session for sure! I've learned to love God first, me second, my spouse third and the children after. If I do not have self love, I certainly won't be capable to give love properly. God bless you mam. You deserve the best. Love and Peace, Susan

    Rachel,
    I am glad you are more grounded. I am going to get the book that gave you information that was helpful.
    I've been married for 35 yrs. that doesn't mean we've been without our own obstacles, for sure! We've had many years of Christian counseling as well. I've been hurt. I heard a Pastor on Dr. Phil once, whose wife had been unfaithful to him. He wrote a book and I've since forgotten the title, unfortunately. In any event, Dr. Phil asked him how he could trust his wife any longer. He answered that he did trust her 80%. Dr. Phil said, "80%?" The man said, " I trust her 80 %. The other 20% is called wisdom!" Wow! I've held that close to my heart.
    My husband was never unfaithful but hurtful still the same. I shared that during our counseling session for sure!
    I've learned to love God first, me second, my spouse third and the children after. If I do not have self love, I certainly won't be capable to give love properly.
    God bless you mam. You deserve the best.
    Love and Peace,
    Susan

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    I'm so happy you escaped the abuse with CW. I'm so sad you made that insulting comment about Eric.

    I'm so happy you escaped the abuse with CW. I'm so sad you made that insulting comment about Eric.

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