I’m always skeptical when big news about a break up, pairing up, or other breaking news is announced at the same time an actor’s movie is released. The timing always seems like it is strategically planned for publicity. Now I’m thinking it may be coincidence. When I reached out to Kinetic Content and FYI to share what I’ve decided after a period of laying low, they let me know that Seven Year Switch is coming back for season two and casting has begun. I immediately thought the timing was nuts, and I’m sure you will too. So with the announcement of the return of the show that is still changing my life, I have an update of my own.
It’s going to take a while to rebuild my life, but the first step I’m taking is to separate from CW. It’s time to focus on my healing and take special care of myself, and I’m looking to God for strength and courage. I wish I could say that I’m happy at last, but this is the saddest thing I’ve ever had to do. I have hope for future happiness, and for those who want to follow along, I’ll continue to share my journey. Unfortunately, the deep emotional pain from a relationship of this nature doesn’t magically end when the relationship does. I’m taking the first step toward healing though, and although I feel extra fragile lately, I also feel an inner-strength rising within me like never before.
Love and compassion for CW remains in my heart even as I say goodbye. I needed to become aware of the real cause of my emotional anguish and diminishing self-esteem that had taken over during the course of our relationship, before I could move on. Now that I’ve done the work of understanding it all, I’m able to make the best decision for my life and health. To stay in the marriage would have destroyed my heart and soul, and would eventually kill my spirit completely. That is no way to live. I did everything in my power to save the marriage and there was nothing else I could do. Seven Year Switch provided the third party perspective I needed, which was vital to sort through my confusion and cognitive dissonance. I’m thankful the opportunity arose at the right moment, and allowed me time and space to step away, hear my own thoughts without competing voices, and reconnect with my spirit.
It’s impossible to grasp what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who can’t deeply feel for you or have true empathy unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone, but at the same time I feel grateful to have learned about it sooner than later. I didn’t realize there were so many people with this backward way of relating, and how nearly impossible it is to change their internal wiring and help them learn to meet human needs for connection and emotional intimacy. Now I know better how to recognize the signs and protect my compassionate and giving heart from future damage.
It’s important to point out that those who are wired in this backwards way internally are often unaware of the destruction they are causing others. They are simply behaving in the only way they know how to behave in order to survive from their point of view. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help you not take it personally.
There are a lot of good memories and fun times also, and although I feel sorry for the loss of my relationship, I’m confident there is no other option for me. It took me a while to sort through everything and research the psychology behind it all, but that was my necessary process to get to today and this first step toward freedom from emotional trauma. These days are strangely mixed with sadness and a life and death sort of urgency. I literally feel like two people sometimes. One half of me is distraught and wants to keep working on the relationship and never give up, while the wiser part of me is keeping the other half at bay and taking charge to save her life. The wiser side of me has learned about trauma bonding and that is how I know that I should not listen to that part of me that wants to reconnect. It’s tricky. But I’m staying the course. I need your support and I’ll try to document the process in hopes that others going through similar change can find comfort in my words.
Taking this step toward freedom is the most challenging thing I’ve faced to date. The fear of the unknown can be crippling at times, and the sudden rush of uncontrollable tears and gut wrenching cries out of nowhere knock the wind out of me. But then I sit in my pain knowing this is part of the process and I have to tread through it to get to the other side. I am starting my life over and the last several years feel like a loss of valuable time and energy. But in other aspects, I know the lessons I’ve learned and the darkness I’ve endured will propel me to something God has been orchestrating for me all along. It’s walking in faith and trusting He has my future planned out that gives me strength to move forward. I had nowhere else to look and feel but down for so long, that I’m permanently fixing my gaze upward and feeling higher up each day.
I wish our marriage could have been what I thought it was. But it absolutely wasn’t.
I filed for divorce. It was the hardest day of my life.
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