Pretend Happy Ending 

I’m in awe of your love and support through this difficult journey of self and couple discovery through Seven Year Switch. Thank you. I feel your support surrounding me like an army of goodwill and it keeps me fighting.  What was supposed to be a happy ending for us was tarnished by what I witnessed in the previous episode. I thought we were entering a new chapter and getting a fresh start. I had questions and was staying alert, but was hopeful we would apply all we learned together and experience many improvements. I also had to allow for the moments we would slide back into old habits in spite of all our growth. Knowing what I know now, it was not completely what it seemed at the time.
 
There was the dinner at our reunion and CW trying to deny the drinks he had with Danielle. I know you’ve all been asking me to address this, but it is the least of my worries at this point. I am concerned for what all this means in the bigger picture and for the future of our marriage. I guarantee when somebody is trying to control you they are lying from time to time, small or big, in various ways to reach their end goal. Master manipulators deny the lies and consider it an innocent “spin” of the facts. So to me, focusing on one lie is like treating a symptom instead of the cause. If there is one small lie, there are bigger lies elsewhere and on and on.

In other words, the lying is a symptom of something else. I want to focus on why and try to understand the bigger picture. The why is to stay in power over another, attempt to control, and to avoid the following: taking responsibility, looking inward, dealing with authentic feelings, and admitting fault. The fact that someone is trying to control means he or she will use deceit, diminishing, countering, dismissing, sarcasm, put downs, condescension, and any other tactics to attempt to stay in control when they feel any type of vulnerability.
 
I have come to realize that some people who attempt to control are not aware of the severity of their behavior nor do they set out to do this and intentionally hurt someone. They don’t understand how much damage they are causing. This fills me with compassion at times, but not always. The biggest deciding factor here is will they, upon becoming aware of what they are doing, be willing and able to make lasting change. In some cases they aren’t able to acknowledge there is even a problem.
 
Another problem with those who tell lies to control, is that they avoid giving you the satisfaction of admission. They will deny it until you’re so exhausted you’d rather give up than keep arguing the issue, so you drop it. Not because you are weak, but because you are human and you want to survive. A person connected to their inner selves, with empathy, compassion, and genuine desire to understand their mate, will back down eventually to somehow make peace. You can’t reach any further into an emptied well for someone who has sucked the life out of you with control. They are equipped with the ability to never tire when it comes to defending their “innocence” and “rightness.”

Lies destroy relationships and there are many marriages with lies for reasons other than to control. This blog does not begin to cover those cases. I’m strictly discussing lying from the perspective and under the umbrella of control issues, which is what I’m most familiar with. All lies destroy trust no matter what the reasons for lying are, and I have zero tolerance for lies in marriage. When you’re dealing with a strained marriage and finding out whether your spouse is willing to admit there is a problem and change, the lies absolutely must go to find out if trust is even possible again.

7 comments

  • Susan

    Susan

    Condescension is unacceptable. Demeaning you and adding sarcasm to it is an insult to your intelligence. Anyone who can't acknowledge their shortcomings is disrespecting the person they should love, above no other. When CW laughed and displaced blame for drinking, then later saying not to bring it up again because it never happened, it just cut ME to my core. It hurt so much because I hurt for YOU for when you'd watch those episodes. I thought, how dare you take that young lady's love (in the biblical sense,) all the while knowing you were manipulating for your own physical gain. I was incensed for you. Like you said, it isn't even primarily about the drinking, it is bigger than that. The sanctity your marriage is based on, "marriage according to CW alone." That is not a marriage according to God's word. Only you know if CW is capable of humbling himself before you and most importantly God. My prayers continue for you. You deserve the best. Love and Peace, Susan Veliz-Henry

    Condescension is unacceptable. Demeaning you and adding sarcasm to it is an insult to your intelligence.
    Anyone who can't acknowledge their shortcomings is disrespecting the person they should love, above no other.
    When CW laughed and displaced blame for drinking, then later saying not to bring it up again because it never happened, it just cut ME to my core. It hurt so much because I hurt for YOU for when you'd watch those episodes.
    I thought, how dare you take that young lady's love (in the biblical sense,) all the while knowing you were manipulating for your own physical gain. I was incensed for you.
    Like you said, it isn't even primarily about the drinking, it is bigger than that. The sanctity your marriage is based on, "marriage according to CW alone." That is not a marriage according to God's word.
    Only you know if CW is capable of humbling himself before you and most importantly God.
    My prayers continue for you. You deserve the best.

    Love and Peace,

    Susan Veliz-Henry

  • kygirl

    kygirl

    I wish I had your insight. I have lived with that for 30 years. Don't make my mistake.

    I wish I had your insight. I have lived with that for 30 years. Don't make my mistake.

  • JonInCa

    JonInCa

    There is a difference between truth and honesty. Truth is a black-and-white. Honesty is how authentically we represent ourselves. When CW denied having drinks with Danielle - he was not telling the truth .. but he was being honest about who he is - someone challenged with conveying the truth in order to protect himself. The truth is: people only change when the pain of their choices becomes greater than the pain of changing. CW can't change to make you happy. It will only lead to resentment . Your challenge is whether you can accept this truth... and can you be honest with yourself.. truly honest? Sometimes we avoid the truth... and diminish our own honesty because we don't want to face the possibilities. The traditional concept of love suggests long-suffering (enduring the crashing emotional waves caused by our spouse/partner). I would suggest the healthier ideal is learning love with boundaries. Love yourself - while loving another. When someone we love continues in destructive behavior we can't continue enabling them. Making boundaries while offering earnest love and support is the only way to salvage your own sense of self-worth and truly helping your spouse/partner. I pray you find wisdom that brings you peace!

    There is a difference between truth and honesty. Truth is a black-and-white. Honesty is how authentically we represent ourselves. When CW denied having drinks with Danielle - he was not telling the truth .. but he was being honest about who he is - someone challenged with conveying the truth in order to protect himself. The truth is: people only change when the pain of their choices becomes greater than the pain of changing. CW can't change to make you happy. It will only lead to resentment . Your challenge is whether you can accept this truth... and can you be honest with yourself.. truly honest? Sometimes we avoid the truth... and diminish our own honesty because we don't want to face the possibilities. The traditional concept of love suggests long-suffering (enduring the crashing emotional waves caused by our spouse/partner). I would suggest the healthier ideal is learning love with boundaries. Love yourself - while loving another. When someone we love continues in destructive behavior we can't continue enabling them. Making boundaries while offering earnest love and support is the only way to salvage your own sense of self-worth and truly helping your spouse/partner. I pray you find wisdom that brings you peace!

  • Sky

    Sky

    Wonderful and insightful. Thank you.

    Wonderful and insightful. Thank you.

  • Lori W

    Lori W

    You hit it head-on....... No difference between lying about something small or big - each is a cover-up for trying to hide deeper issues. When there is no trust, there is little else.

    You hit it head-on....... No difference between lying about something small or big - each is a cover-up for trying to hide deeper issues. When there is no trust, there is little else.

  • Aimless

    Aimless

    This is a very insightful post. I really feel for you as you pick your way through this situation. Although I am a stranger to you I am over here cheering you on and wishing you strength, growth, and self preservation for your journey. Only you know where the tipping point is. I wish you the very best no matter the outcome.

    This is a very insightful post. I really feel for you as you pick your way through this situation. Although I am a stranger to you I am over here cheering you on and wishing you strength, growth, and self preservation for your journey. Only you know where the tipping point is. I wish you the very best no matter the outcome.

  • Jennifer

    Jennifer

    I have just watched every episode of Switch while enduring a flu. Watching CW with his experimental wife broke my heart for you. Watching him deceive you after the "strip tease" talk with that girl was so frustrating I had to find out what you're feeling now that tv told on him. You are an incredible woman with a beautiful soul and a beautiful voice to express your spirit. CW didn't know what he had with you, but I believe you will find someone who does know how to be a good husband. Thank you for sharing how things turned out.

    I have just watched every episode of Switch while enduring a flu. Watching CW with his experimental wife broke my heart for you. Watching him deceive you after the "strip tease" talk with that girl was so frustrating I had to find out what you're feeling now that tv told on him. You are an incredible woman with a beautiful soul and a beautiful voice to express your spirit. CW didn't know what he had with you, but I believe you will find someone who does know how to be a good husband. Thank you for sharing how things turned out.

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